The Dream of Reality

The following material was written in a classroom while being unable to concentrate on the lecture.

You spend all your life chasing a dream. Thinking how glorious your life is going to be once you have finally achieved it. Is that always the case?

The ones who feel otherwise are easily categorized as ungrateful. People keep ignoring the psychological fact that they are continuously evolving, in other words  changing. What you want today, might be meaningless by the time you've finally got it. So what exactly is that you want? People don't know what they want, that's why they keep chasing this hypothetical reality. Looking for that one action, that will make every wrong, right. But does that really happen.. we can sin all our lives and in the end seek that one good deed that will give us salvation. 

You know what disturbs me... too much information. They've made this world so complicated, and life so complex. Life is supposed to be easier... at least easier to understand. Isn't mystery a good thing? It is, as long as its getting somewhere.

Have you ever gone through that stage, where your reality feels like a dream and your dreams feel like reality. Trust me, the experience is enigmatic. This question keeps knocking my mind again and again.. What am I looking for?

I have this pen in my hand.. my only way of expressing my thoughts... remember that saying... 'listen from one ear.. and let it out from the other'. I just realized, I`m a master of it. Half of the time, I`m not even there. My battle between who I am and who I want to be continues. What is this restlessness.. Will it ever go away...

My eyes are open but my mind is sleeping

My heart is broken but my lips are healing

I can’t pretend to be a lion able to conquer the enemy, 
To master myself would be enough. 
I am only the dust on my Lover’s path 
and from dust I will rise and turn into a flower.


-Rumi

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be.

-Rumi

Euphoria

Roll out the velvet carpets, the one Abraham walked on... 

In the euphoric trance of love... There's only one being I wish to converse....

The one that created my Father, and ordered for the angels to bow down to...

The one that ordered my Father to walk out of heaven... and to make his way 
back home....

"I am closer to you, than you to yourself". Yes, you are. 

If love is an ocean, I am a drop... If I am soul, you are God. 

So much love? So much patience? So much beauty? So much intensity?

The night... nothing but thousands of Suhail's scattered all over the sky...

The shining stars, positioned in such a way that create your name. 

No more waiting, just peace. No more problems, just peace. No more pain, just peace. 

The fragrance of the finest flowers, freshly pressed against the dew, one by one... stimulate my every sense....

Moses, the one who you used to engage in conversation with... Talk to me... 

The smoothness that you have bestowed in my voice, isn't it just the glimpse of your beauty.....

The water in my eyes, just to see your promise.... hold these tears... hold me...

My flesh and bones, are long gone... hold my soul... you own me...

Nothing will ever go away, we are here... we are here to stay...

Let me sleep under your shade, under your light, like a baby sleeps in the lap of a mother...

I am your slave, you are my owner. An owner who whispered His soul into me. 

Without asking for... you provided me.... Is it even fair to a sinner?

Your justice fascinates me, your versatility amazes me....

Keep me closer to the street of Firdaus, I wish to catch a glimpse of Muhammad...

Rolling on the ground, left to right...right to left... Finally what I ever wanted, Lost in your love, No responsibility any more, no more duties any more, no more pursuits any more... Just You and me... 

All my questions are to be answered tonight... this night... this conversation will never end... 

A long dream finally came to an end, The reality is heaven....

This eternal dance of success will not end... I see bright faces... everywhere... Is it for what they did...or is it just Your light reflecting on them?

"Priorities of life are changing day by day.
I am standing and looking 
at the fate in my hand of clay
Everything is achievable,
but that day is not in my play
I am moving with the wind
but fell on a shed-ed tree
The branches are dead...
like the emotionless puppet of clay".


-Sanan Javed

All I ever wanted was to live a peaceful life....


All I ever wanted was to be a successful man...


All I ever wanted was to make love to the woman I love...


All I ever wanted was to see my dreams come true...


What frightens me is not if they`ll ever be fulfilled... what scares me is how will I go through my life if they don't. 

الزام

نہ لے میرے پاگل پن کا امتحان 

تجھے احساس نہیں کس حد تک جا سکتا ہوں میں 

صبرو تحمل جیسے الفاظ سے باہر ہے یہ طبیت 

جب چڑہ جائے نشہ عشق کا، پھر صرف اپنی پیاس ہی بجھا سکتا ہوں میں 

کر دوں اعلان یا خاموش رہوں تیری فرمابرداری کا 

ایک وقت پی صرف ایک ہی قدم اٹھا سکتا ہوں میں 

ایسی کوششیں نہ کر کے کل کو افسوس کرنا پڑے 

اپنے آپ پر بھروسہ نہیں، پر تیری زممےداری اٹھا سکتا ہوں میں 

ایک امید کو جنوں میں تبدیل کروا دیا تو نے 

حق ہے میرا ، بلا وجہ تجھ پی الزام لگا سکتا ہوں میں 

"There is in such situations usually a moment of passion during which the unthinkable is said; this is followed by a sense of euphoria at finally being liberated; the world seems fresh, as if seen for the first time; then comes the inevitable period of doubt, the desperate and doomed backpedaling of regret; and only later, once emotions have receded, is one able to view with equanimity the journey through which one has passed."

-from the novel, The Reluctant Fundamentalist.

"If you have the strength,
don't wear the cloth of love,
Or if you do, 
don't moan about disaster. 
The cloth will burn, 
but bear the pain in silence. 
What's venom now 
....is the juice of life hereafter." 


-Molana Jalal-ud-din Rumi

Characters

Today I met a lot of different people. Just like in a movie, there is a lead... and others play a part in the story. This is just another day in the life of Mr. Bukhari. 

A man standing in front of me at the counter carrying a 'remittance form'. The attendant asks for his ID card copy, which he apparently doesn't have. I put the money and my bills on the window while he checks his wallet. I take a glimpse behind, a woman is standing holding a paper. While I get my change and stamped bills back, I see the guy taking out another original ID card. While I reverse my car, I see two young children sitting in the back of a black Honda City, teasing each other while their mother takes care of the paper. 

Stadium Road Ishara. My car's alter-ego 'Mein Fuhrer' is back. Stops working on CNG, I`m low on Petrol. Not sure if to turn the car off or to wait a few more seconds for the signal to turn green. An elderly female beggar approaches my car. I wonder if to give change or not. In split seconds I remember Prophet Muhammad's quotation, "Don't let anyone go empty-handed when they come to you". 20 rupee note handed over. 'Khair na ja', as she walks off. The signal opens, and I wonder if I did it for the quotation or for selfish reasons. 

Student Office. "ID kya hai beta apki". "Ji 2593". "Sohail Ayaz...Bukhari...syed hain ap?". "Uh.. ji Sir". "Kahan se Syed hain?" "Uh.. Sir... yani Imam?" "Nahi... chalein Imam bata dein". "Sir..uh..Ammi ki taraf se Jaffri aur Abbu ki taraf se Naqvi". "Acha acha.. to ap Bukhari kaise hain?". "Sir pata nahi...maine kabi pucha nahi". "Puchna to chahiye tha na apko". "Sir, mujhe to yeh pata hai ke hamare ancestors Bukhara ek shaher hai Samarkand mein, wahan se idhar unhon ne hijrat ki thi". "Acha acha... meri walda bhi Bukhari hain, main is liye puch raha tha apse". "Achaa..to mera test ho raha tha". "Ji, apne roots ka har shaksh ko pata hona chahiye". "Ji, bilkul". "To ap Alh-e-Tashi hain?" "Uh..nahi Sir, sunni". "Acha acha,... ap Finance Dept. mein jayein aur wahan se apni Finance History la ker idhar jama kara dein". 

As I find the Finance Dept. locked due to a "meeting". I think about a cigarette but find former class mates sitting in the "train seats" of the lobby. I greet them and they offer a seat. For the first few minutes a listen to their conversation and try to understand if its serious or casual. They're making fun of teachers, so I join in. The conversation turns to studying abroad and now its directed towards me. "All things aside, why do you wanna go abroad?". I tell them, I`ve tasted the life of living abroad, and the feeling just doesn't go away. As one guy gets up to do something, the conversation turns to woman. I tell him that only women should be considered beautiful while men should have other things on their mind. 

I remember I need a print-out, when I don't see any printers in the 'Printer List' options, I realize its time for a cuppa tea. As I get off my seat and walk towards the door. I see a former class-mate again. She looks at me, and I look away. I`ve been doing that for a few months now, and I felt bad. So I said, "excuse me, is that you?" Its amazing how she suddenly started smiling. The poor girl tells me she's doing her thesis. "bas wohi reh gaya?". "uske ilawa kuch courses". I didn't embarrassed her anymore and told her, "Best of luck". Hopefully, after that she had a better day than me. 

Askari Bank, I-9 Branch. 4.25 pm. "Teen Demand Draft chahiyein". "Bank to band hone wala hai". I put my innocent Puss-in-boots look and gently say, "Please, kafi urgent hai". The guy buys it, and hands me 3 forms to fill. 

Cafeteria. I see some more classmates. One of them is going to the U.S. I congratulate him for the biggest achievement of his life. After a while, others start making fun of him, so again I join in. "Sabar kar, udhar pahunch aur angrez tujhe kaheinge, "Go back to your country, you Paki". After a while he tells me, Suhail, you wanna go to the U.S.? I tell myself, "Who is this guy?". "Bas 1.5 crore ki bank statement show kara de, mein tujhe bula lunga, baray rishtedar hain mere Amreeka mein". I take a puff and drop the ash in the teacup as I smile. 

Standing in the middle of Bank Road, Saddar. Where nothing shouts "LIFE" more than the centre of Rawalpindi. The variety of people again fascinates me. A man getting a chair for his woman, the young doctor waiting for her friend while she gets her money back, the molvi driver waiting in his Army Suzuki Bolan, but the person who caught my attention the most...was this physically disabled young guy. He was carrying balloons with cartoon characters painted on them. I stood there looking at the balloons move back and fro in front of me with faces of Mario Brother, Doraemon, Spiderman, and a tiger. He walks towards a man holding a baby. His dinner tonight depends on the likeliness of a 2 year old. The baby just moves its hands, the father isn't sure if it wants the balloon or not. After a persuasion from the balloon-guy for a few minutes he finally buys it. 

After I put my Pizza Box in the car, I see a car parked right behind me. They seemed like a newly married couple... having ice-cream. I tell him, I need to reverse. As I put my reverse gear, I see the car moving forward, where there is still another car. I could have honked, but I decided against it and wait. I said to myself, they're having a special moment, why destroy it? 

And they say, I don't care about other people's feelings. 

Silence

Give me release

Witness me

I am outside

Give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder

And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up 

When the rage in me subsides

Passion

Chokes the flower

Until she cries no more

Possessing all the beauty

Hungry still for more

Heaven holds a sense of wonder

And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up 

When the rage in me subsides

In this white wave

I am sinking 

In this silence

In this white wave...

In this silence...

I believe I can't help this longing...

Comfort me I can't hold it all in...

If you won't let me...

Heaven holds a sense of wonder

And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up

When the rage in me subsides

In this white wave

I am sinking

In this silence

In this white wave...

In this silence...

I believe I have seen you...

In this white wave

You are silent

You are breathing

In this white wave...

I am free

"They say the important thing in life isn't the destination... its the journey. The challenges you face along the way,  the unexpected twists and turns, the disappointments you overcome...but they're wrong. Its all about the destination". 

"You mean she'd rather imagine herself relating to someone who's absent than build relationships with those around her?".


-From the French movie, Amelie.

Filth

The following material is based on a few real-life events that I have seen in the last few years. I titled this article 'filth' because it portrays the other side of society and the inability of people to draw the line. 

A guy in his late 30s-early 40s. Lives with his family in a 2 room portion of a small building on a street that provides spare parts for cars. He provides space for a couple of university students with a place to get drunk at for the evening. Of the three he only knows one of them. The wife and children are placed in the other room, while he gets drunk with these kids, what divides them is nothing more than a curtain. They get drunk together like they've known each other for years, and age is nothing more than a number for the evening. One of them is a beginner, so they make fun of him as he's the first to get drunk; "usay mast honay do, suroor mein rehne do", he says while you hear his child crying in the other room. 

A girl invites her fiance into her bedroom, who she has been engaged for, for over 5 years. The couple lock the door, while the parents are outside. This happens for more than once, as the parents look the other way. For them, its, hey would you rather have your daughter miserable and alone in this "characterless" era or would you be "modern" and let her have privacy with her fiance, whose going to marry her eventually. 

A guy gets a number of a girl. Starts texting her, eventually meets her. Things get serious. Continues it for days, weeks... eventually months. One day he receives a call. Shes pregnant. The sky falls on him. Her question, marriage? His answer, forget it, abortion. Looks for a solution likes its a matter of life and death. Finally gets her to abort the child. A little time later, break-up. Gets married to another girl a year later. Has a daughter. The girl? Still "likes" his statuses. 

A guy walks into an underground bar with a young girl. They are accompanied by his same-age friend. They order an economical Vodka. The two get drunk and talk about politics, while she looks at their faces. She's studying in Norway and has a return flight the next morning. His friend, asks her  what is she studying. "Arts", she replies. 'The young generation prefers arts, back in our day we had to study in order to make a living'. 'We should get going, you have to start packing', says the guy to the young girl. The young girl was his daughter. 

A guy is committed in a serious relationship. An ex wants him back. He curses her on the phone in front of his friends. She insists on having him back. So he plays along. While on the webcam, he asks her to show her indecency, to which she agrees. Little does she know that hes recording all this with his cell-phone. Which he excitingly shows to his friends, just to show how good a player he is. The woman hes committed to? There's not an innocent man as he is for her. 

A guy is about to get married in a couple of months. But has a bad history of temptation. On a vacation, he gets tempted again. Asks for a escort, gets her. Brings her to a place. Is suddenly stricken with a confused state. Confused either to give in to temptation or give in to guilt, he chooses temptation. After a while the escort inquires, 'what's wrong?'. Doesn't respond, is hit with a bolt of guilty conscious. Goes through it for a few months. Then admits, 'it was worth it'. 

A Vast Land

You don't describe a man as either smart, sentimental or sexy. A man is a combination of three things: mental, emotional and physical. A real man, that is. 

Every last day of the week, a random fella would always comment. 

" آج کچھ زیادہ ہی گرمی نہیں"

Over the years I reached a conclusion, "It's always sunny on Friday". One Friday, suddenly it was cloudy at جمعہ  time. I looked up at the sky, smiled, and knew God did this to tell me my theory was flawed. ازکر الله . No doubt the greatest ecstasy is in a sajda, hailing the Real King. Looking at those people, raising their hands, talking directly to The One, if the most beautiful relationship in the world is between a mother and a child then damn the most beautiful relationship in the universe has to be between God and human.

One day a dear friend asked me, what's the meaning of your name. I answered him what they answered me when I was a child; A Vast Land. He metaphorically laughed his arse off. Then I started thinking, wait, a vast land? This can't be right. So after 22 years of believing that I am a vast land, I googled my name. 

Name: Sohail

Gender: Male

Meaning: Shining Star.

I`m a modest man or else I would have told you what Wikipedia has to say about me. But I`m not too modest to share the link, though. 

"Have as much fun as you can, once your'e in practical life, you`ll regret it". That's what a lot of employed friends and other people would say to me, when they`d find out I was still studying. They thought BBA-H was all about girls, weed and booze. For some, yeah..for the cursed Bukhari, the God-damn thesis alone took me 8 months. More of a premature delivery than a thesis. 

So lets not get off-track here, Practical Life. I`ve always ignored this topic, because I dis-agree with the term itself. Practical life is starts when you start looking for a job? So all those years before that was what..a Joke Life? I personally believe there is only one life, there are only phases. I also believe people never really grow up. Sure, they read a few books and think they're Aristotle or Thomas Edison. So if you got a few properties, a car and a son in the U.K., you think you've made it? Baby boomers, nothing more than babies who have boomed a few stacks of cash. 

So what does an unemployed self-obsessed self-declared Philosopher know about life? Lets just say my level of mentality is beyond your level of understanding. My initiation phase is, Go Hard or Go Home and when I`m done I modestly quote Julius Caesar and declare, 'Veni, Vidi, Vici'. 

I am your lover, come to my side, I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbors to the stars. 


You have been hiding so long,
endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.


Even so, you have always been connected to me. 
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.


I am life itself. You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood. Come merge with me,
leave this world of ignorance.


Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.

-Rumi

For two three days, this line, "Ruk jana nahi tu kahin haar ke" has been coming to my mind. I never heard this song in its entirety before. But this evening when I listened to it, its like Kishore-Da knew exactly what to say. Thank you, Your Royal Vocalness. 

لوگوں کو انکا سب کچھ دے کے

تو تو چلا تھا سپنے ہی لے کے 

Today absorbed into Tomorrow

This song is the most valuable thing that my mother ever gave to me. She used to sing this to me every night... I used to be very talkative..talk to her for hours... but whenever she started singing this lullaby... I would close my eyes.. listen silently... and forget everything... No possession in the world can ever bring back that feeling... 

The video couldn't have been more relevant. As the young me looks back at my life... remembering my childhood... and the lullaby my mother sang. My mother used to tap me the same way while I listened and went to sleep.. The younger me sits at the edge of the balcony..and for a moment forgets about my own-self...and ponders about the selflessness of my mother's sacrifices... The tears coming out of eyes signifies the hardships and tragedies of those times while looking forward to a better tomorrow, just for the sake of the child..

My mother never sang the last stanza to me. But it couldn't more be relevant that the younger me is singing that now ... as the others look at me from afar... unaware...

Spring 2010. A call asking me to come back home. Clock hitting mid-night. Destination: Sharq, Kuwait City. Yahya on the wheel... a drive on Gulf Road. Yousef scrolls to a song I`ve never heard before..but exactly the one I could relate to, on his Xperia connected to the stereo. Me sitting in the back-seat like a boss...I`ll never forget that night...that drive...and that breeze. 

خواب نہ سگے 

زندگی ٹھگے 

پھر بھی جانے کیوں 

امیدیں جگے

اردو

اردو 

آج نہ جانے کیوں... اردو میں لکھنے کا جی چاہ رہا ہے . کہتے ہیں زبان تب تک زندہ رہتی ہے جب تک اسے بولا جائے .  ویسے میری اردو خود اتنی کوئی خاص نہیں، زیادہ تر پاکستانیوں کی طرح میں بھی ہر جملے میں انگریزی کے دو-تین الفاظ تو شامل کر ہی دیتا ہوں.

کہنے کو تو میں پنجابی ہوں...میرے والدین پنجابی ہیں اور انکی پہلی زبان بھی پنجابی ہے. میں پنجاب کے پوتوہری تحصیل راولپنڈی سے تعلق رکھتا ہوں.  اور اس  لہاز سے مجھے بولنی بھی پنجابی چاہیے.  پر آپ یہ قدرت کی کرنی کہئے یا میری اپنی پسند... جو احساس مجھے اردو کے لئے ہیں وہ کسی اور زبان کے لئے نہیں.

بچپن میں اور ٹیوی پی اکثر سنا ہے کے اردو دنیا کی سب سے خوبصورت زبان ہے.مجھے تو اسکی تمیز، الفاظ اور طریقہ زیادہ دلفریب لگتے ہیں. افسوس، اسکول میں اردو کی کتاب کبھی سمجھ نہ آ سکی . اور "مرکزی خیال" سے زیادہ تو ہم لڑکے گالیاں سیکھنے پر قابلیت رکھتے تھے.

ہماری جماعت میں جو اردو کے استاد تھے انکا نام تھا جناب عبدل قدوس . ماشا الله

 سے انکا ٦ فوٹ سے کم کد نہیں تھا اور انکی صحت کا کوئی مقابل نہیں تھا. ایک دفع مہینے انسے پچا، "سر آپکی صحت کا راز کیا ہے؟" انہوں نے جواب میں کہا ،" ووہی جو تمہاری کمزوری کا ہے". شکر ہے وہاں لڑکیاں نہیں تھیں. خیر، زلفیں انکی جتنی ہی ریشم تھیں ، اتنا وہ زور سے اپنی گردن کو ایک جھٹکا دیا کرتے تھے... تاکے انکا پف کہیں آنکھوں کے سامنے نہ آ جائے. اب آتے ہیں انکے پڑھانے کے طریقے کی طرف ... ہماری اردو کی کتاب دو حصّوں پر مشتمل تھی. حصّہ-اول مضمون پر اور حصّہ-دوم نظموں پر. مجھے پہلے حصّے میں سے صرف ایک ہی مضمون کا نام یاد ہے، "چلتے ہو تو چین کو چلیے". خیر جب وہ نظموں پر ہے.. تب وہ ہر نظم کے ایک مصرے پر کم از کم ١٠-١٥ مناتے لگاتے تھے. اتنی تفصیل میں ایک شیر کو بیان کرنا، وہ بھی کھڑے ہو کر، اور وہ بھی بچوں کی فضول گفتگو کرنے کی بگیر پروا کیے... میری نظر میں اپنے کام   کےساتھ انصاف کرنا ہے. 

مہینے زندگی میں چیزوں پر افسوس کرنے سے گریز کرنا سیکھا ہے. پر مجھے اس چیز کا ہمیشہ افسوس رہیگا کے جب لایک لڑکیاں اپنی کاپیاں بھر رہی ہوتی تھیں، ...مہینے دو سالوں میں ایک دفع بھی استاد صاحب کے کلام پر غور نہیں کیا. مقصد انکی باتوں پر غور کر کے امتحان میں زیادہ نمبر لینا نہیں تھا... بلکے نقطہ یہ ہے کے انکو مختلف مضامین پر علم حاصل تھا اور دوسرا وہ ہر چیز کو کافی 

گہرایی اور ہر نظریے سے دیکھتے اور بیان کرتے تھے. 

خیر یہ گفتگو کہاں سے کہاں چلی گی. 

زندگی میں آپکو کیی شخصیت سے ملنے کا موقع ملتا ہے، جو آپکی شخصیت پر فرق ڈالتے ہیں ...ضروری نہیں کے وہ مکمّل ہوں ... کوشش یہی ہونی چاہیے کے انکی اچھی باتوں کو اپنا لیا جائے اور اگر فطرت اجازت دے تو عمل  بھی کر  لیا جائے ...   

There are a million thoughts in my mind, but I`ll choose silence.

Reminiscence

April 1993.

Holding my father's hand, afraid to let go. Standing at the edge of the door. First day at school. Looking inside the class, kids, same as my size... so many of them. My mother isn't there anymore to protect me in case I get into trouble. The teacher has a smile on her face and her hands directing me to come inside. I start crying, what's worse is... in public. My father calms me down, the teacher takes me to my seat. They seat me next to this girl, who amazingly is not crying... My manhood wakes up, and amazingly even I`m not crying anymore. As soon as Uzma told me her name, I waved my father good-bye. 

Summer of 1998.

I arrive at Lahore Intl. Airport. Standing in the immigration line, I take a look at a TV on top of a wall. Cartoon Network has arrived to Pakistan. This nation is making progress. Some unknown people receive us, apparently they're family friends I show them my self-made cartoons, they compliment me. Out of honesty or out of my 'پیر  status', I still haven't figured out. After a week I go to my ancestral village. While once standing outside the gate of 'بڑے گھر', a shepherd stops by and kisses my hand. As I recall, it was my first "WTF" moment. 

25th February 2003

Independence day. "Teenage Confusion" at its peak. 4 Paki lads on a mission to celebrate our new so-called 'transition into manhood'. Qasim had recently got a driving license. The best part was, he wasn't allowed to drive the family car, well not at-least with us on board. It was a cloudy morning, and we wanted to rent a car to drive in the evening. We searched half of central Kuwait for a reasonably priced car. 3 hours later, it started raining and we found ourselves abusing each other. After 5 hours we finally found one. The renter tells us you need to be 21 to drive this. Yousef asks Qasim, how old are you? Einstein starts counting his age. Jesus Christ, that was something. Yahya and I couldn't stop laughing. Aah, that evening was worth every foam we sprayed on the Kuwaitis. 

An hour ago.

I start writing a blog with a title I can't even spell. Thank Lord for Google. As I recall forgotten moments, the light goes away. Suddenly, its showering outside. I grab a packet of cashews from the kitchen. Take the hot mug of tea and crash in the car parked in the garage. No, I didn't go anywhere. Just opened three doors, moved the front seat towards the steering, put a cushion on the back and laid down on the back-seat like a boss. Damn, the rain intoxicates me more than alcohol. I start thinking about her, and what I'd do if we were alone in an empty house... without any light...

Feels like we flyin' right? Ooh, not there yet. But definitely on the way. Damn, I haven't tasted success in such a long time, I forgot how it felt like. Mr. Bukhari opens its doors to its favourite guest. Welcome, Your Majesty, Welcome. Lets have a little conversation, you tell me...how you been...I`ll tell you how much I missed you. I know I`ve been disloyal... but this time you're here to stay, sweetheart. Modesty and ego, shake hands... you`ll be my Generals in the war of life. 

مسلمان مصیبت میں گھبرایا نہیں کرتا 

-محمّد علی جناح -

The Zebra's Cage

Whenever I drive on the way out of the neighborhood, near the Clock Tower... I always look left while shifting to the 3rd gear. There is a series of cages... at the corner, the last one, resides a Zebra; caged in. I`ve never stopped by to look at him closely. But somehow I never miss a glimpse of him; no matter if he is in his supposed 'hut' or standing outside, alone.

The birds and the rams in the other cages are either in groups or couples. But this lad...just there...alone. Sometimes hes sitting, sometimes laying down...but most of the time I see him standing there... looking outside the cage. Sure they feed em well. Clean his cage. But I thought Zebra's weren't supposed to be isolation-minded.

In Ethics class they taught us something about giving a damn about 'Sentient Beings'. Even animals feel threatened when you behave harshly towards them, I`ve seen alotta cats and dogs, that way.  I`m no animal psychologist, I hardly can analyze my own mind... But I feel pity for this one. 

He's not with his family anymore. Heck, he's not even with his kind anymore. He is forced to do something he wasn't meant to do. Be an amusement for people. Just make people ammuse and amaze. They look at him. they look at his colors. They compliment his existence, but he's nothing more than an animal to them. 

He must be thinking, I was supposed to be running wild...running free... do what I`m supposed to do. Drink water from a stream which I choose. Rest where-ever I want. God sent me here to live the life that I wanted to live. But what am I doing? Where am I? Why am I here? No one to talk to. Sure, he can say whatever he wants to the human care-takers. But will they understand him? No. They wont understand what hes saying. 

The Zebra must be longing for love, longing for freedom, longing for association...

But for now...he's just standing there.... waiting.... and waiting... and waiting...

Sin or Sincerity

From the top to the bottom
I`ve seen too many drop

It ain't worth a damn; achievement
If it ain't done with style

They measure all of it with money
I pay attention to the technique

Process after process, we all go through shit
Label & categorize, that's how we stomp on shit

How can you want something you don't love
How can you love something you don't want

The pressure sometimes gets to the best of us
A purpose in life is what keeps tempting us

Sin or sincerity, confused between the two
To surrender or to deceive, they don't have a clue

The smart move on to the future
The fools keep holding on to the past

What's said is said, what's done is done
I`m not even married yet & I`m thinking about a son

Go ahead Bukhari, walk along with your chin up
In the end, they gon judge you by how long you can keep up.

-Bukhari

Just Saying...

Lads like us, tend to become moody over time. There was a time when nothing used to make a difference, now even the slightest remark seems to influence the next 5 minutes. 

"What kind of woman do you want?" 

Anything between Elissa and Nigella Lawson... 

Those who know who I`m talking about will say, 'that's too much to ask, Bukhari'. Those who don't, 'who the fuck are they?'. 

Did I forget to mention '...and a blend of the sophistication of Elizabeth Taylor with the playfulness of Saira Bano'? 

"Look at yourself, you ain't a Prince Charming yourself, mate". 

My reply? "I`m not perfect, but I`m better than all your other options". 

Oh, there's that ego again.

There's that labelling again. 

They say I`m healthier, some say I got a tummy. I politely deny and blame the double sweater. 

I`m a typical Pakistani when it comes to intoxicants. The most common? Tea, I`m definitely addicted. 

Another sleepless night again? Ah God, whenever I go back to 226 D/1, all of my past 5 years flash right in front of me. Damn, that time didn't feel like anything, but compared to now...feels like I did a lot. Every time I go back to Iqra, I feel like either I`m stepping in the university premises for the first or the last time. Which ironically is not the case. 

Before I used to have very different dreams. But now I`m having recurring dreams, a bit too much. The three most common are... Kuwait, family and a woman. Amazing how I try not to think about it, but most of my nights...are dedicated to them. 

I used to silently not give a damn about people who would tell me about 'having nightmares', but nightmares have started knocking at my door now. Personally, I`m enjoying the haunting. Its fun to be starring in a unscripted horror movie yourself, sometimes. 

In the world, you`ll see people who are determined...in what they want. An aura which exhibits a possession of uncontrollable confidence and power. It seems like they know what they want and how they`ll get it. But personally, I think deep down inside they would even doubt themselves sometimes. They just don't show it. They can't afford to show it. Being doubted is one thing, doubting yourself is another. 

Sincerity, chivalry, loyalty, manners... do people even give a shit about these things any more or have they taken capitalism literally? We all have flaws, I`m an understanding fella anyway. But what I don't allow in conversation are two things: stupidity and vulgarity. Takes all respect away from that person's existence. 

What the hell am I talking about? 

The Freshness

When it's cold and raining,

you are more beautiful.

And the snow brings me

even closer to your lips.

The inner secret, that which was never born,

you are that freshness, and I am with you now.

I can't explain the goings,

or the comings. You enter suddenly,

and I am nowhere again.

Inside the majesty.

-Rumi

Kar Ishq...Ishq Kar

کر عشق ...عشق کر 

اگر اسکے وجود سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی پرچھائی سے بھی عشق کر

اگر اسکے اطمنان سے عشق ہے ، تو اسکی امید سے بھی عشق کر

کر عشق ... عشق کر 

اگر اسکی موجودگی سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی جدائی سے بھی عشق کر 

اگر اسکی خوشی سے عشق ہے، تو اسکے غموں سے بھی عشق کر

اگر اسکی فطرت سے عشق ہے، تو اسکے اثر سے بھی عشق کر

اگر اسکے دل سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی روح سے بھی کر 

عشق کر...کر عشق 

اگر اسکے حسن سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی پردگی سے بھی عشق کر 

اگر اسکے کردار سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی گستاخیوں سے بھی عشق کر 

اگر اسکے شکر سے عشق ہے، تو اسکے صبر سے بھی عشق کر 

اگر اسکی عاجزی سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی انا سے بھی عشق کر 

اگر اسکے ساتھ سے عشق ہے، تو اسکی دوری سے بھی عشق کر 

اگر اسکی حقیقت سے عشق ہے، تو اسکے افسانے سے بھی عشق کر 

کر عشق ...عشق کر 

پانی سے جو نہ بھجے، ہے پیاس یہ اس آگ کی 

ہمیں کو کر دیا ہم سے انجان، مجال ہے یہ صرف آپ کی 

-بخاری-

خود تو بہت آسانی سے کہ دیا کے بھلا دے مجھے 

کاش یہ بھی  سوچ لیتا کے یہ میرے لئے ممکن ہے یا نہیں 

-بخاری-

آج بہت یاد آ رہی ہے 

تجھسے دور ہو کر یہ فلسفہ زندگی کا مہینے جانا "

"کے تنہا رہ کر نہیں پورا ہوتا کوئی بھی زندگی کا افسانہ