Sometimes

              'Jeet jeet ke zindagi guzari
                   Hun tu haar faqeera'

Although the streets of Sydney have taught me more about life than any other place, it's the lap of Queensland that makes me unwind. This is my third visit. Everytime, I never planned to come here. So how come every time I end up here? Destiny at its best.

Sitting under the hide and seek game that the clouds are playing with the beautiful moon of Shabaan. The soft sound of the tree branches as they are tenderly touched by the light breeze. I can only imagine how heaven will be like.

I swear to God I never planned this life. He chose it for me. And asked me to act. I act confident and assured,  but no one knows my shortcomings like He does. Although I have travelled a long distance,  I am still a long way to go.

I used to think I deserve all this. But then when I meet people who are way better than me, in one way or the other, it only humbles me and makes me realize that this is His genorisity more than my performance.

Subhan Allah just being alive and witnessing this amazing world is a blessing. It's not easy for me to define myself according to this identity or that category. I've been everybody and I've been nobody. Sometimes I feel like I've seen everything, only to be surprised by what comes next.

Although there are great learnings in gatherings,  there is greater wisdom in the gathering of the self to the soul. The rhythms of this song seem to be perfectly in sync with the flow of blood in my veins. I wonder what You think of me up there sitting on your throne all the way above the seven heavens.

I tried my best to crack the code of life. But honestly you might increase your knowledge but you cannot graduate in it. Different experiences lead to different specialisations. Sometimes I wanna stay on the surface, sometimes I wanna dive deeper. Sometimes I wanna look in the mirror and question, who is this creature.

I wish I could be true to myself. I keep shying away from my reality. Sometimes I'm like water, I blend in. Sometimes, my fire is diverted within. The philosophy of balance is yet to be practiced. I'm waiting for the shining star to finally shine. Sometimes I feel like the grains of time are slipping out of my hands.

I see that after all I've done,  all eyes are on me now. People waiting for my next move. They think that I have the luxury to choose. I raise my hands and ask for assistance. Because only He gives me the power to move.

Characters

Today I met a lot of different people. Just like in a movie, there is a lead... and others play a part in the story. This is just another day in the life of Mr. Bukhari. 

A man standing in front of me at the counter carrying a 'remittance form'. The attendant asks for his ID card copy, which he apparently doesn't have. I put the money and my bills on the window while he checks his wallet. I take a glimpse behind, a woman is standing holding a paper. While I get my change and stamped bills back, I see the guy taking out another original ID card. While I reverse my car, I see two young children sitting in the back of a black Honda City, teasing each other while their mother takes care of the paper. 

Stadium Road Ishara. My car's alter-ego 'Mein Fuhrer' is back. Stops working on CNG, I`m low on Petrol. Not sure if to turn the car off or to wait a few more seconds for the signal to turn green. An elderly female beggar approaches my car. I wonder if to give change or not. In split seconds I remember Prophet Muhammad's quotation, "Don't let anyone go empty-handed when they come to you". 20 rupee note handed over. 'Khair na ja', as she walks off. The signal opens, and I wonder if I did it for the quotation or for selfish reasons. 

Student Office. "ID kya hai beta apki". "Ji 2593". "Sohail Ayaz...Bukhari...syed hain ap?". "Uh.. ji Sir". "Kahan se Syed hain?" "Uh.. Sir... yani Imam?" "Nahi... chalein Imam bata dein". "Sir..uh..Ammi ki taraf se Jaffri aur Abbu ki taraf se Naqvi". "Acha acha.. to ap Bukhari kaise hain?". "Sir pata nahi...maine kabi pucha nahi". "Puchna to chahiye tha na apko". "Sir, mujhe to yeh pata hai ke hamare ancestors Bukhara ek shaher hai Samarkand mein, wahan se idhar unhon ne hijrat ki thi". "Acha acha... meri walda bhi Bukhari hain, main is liye puch raha tha apse". "Achaa..to mera test ho raha tha". "Ji, apne roots ka har shaksh ko pata hona chahiye". "Ji, bilkul". "To ap Alh-e-Tashi hain?" "Uh..nahi Sir, sunni". "Acha acha,... ap Finance Dept. mein jayein aur wahan se apni Finance History la ker idhar jama kara dein". 

As I find the Finance Dept. locked due to a "meeting". I think about a cigarette but find former class mates sitting in the "train seats" of the lobby. I greet them and they offer a seat. For the first few minutes a listen to their conversation and try to understand if its serious or casual. They're making fun of teachers, so I join in. The conversation turns to studying abroad and now its directed towards me. "All things aside, why do you wanna go abroad?". I tell them, I`ve tasted the life of living abroad, and the feeling just doesn't go away. As one guy gets up to do something, the conversation turns to woman. I tell him that only women should be considered beautiful while men should have other things on their mind. 

I remember I need a print-out, when I don't see any printers in the 'Printer List' options, I realize its time for a cuppa tea. As I get off my seat and walk towards the door. I see a former class-mate again. She looks at me, and I look away. I`ve been doing that for a few months now, and I felt bad. So I said, "excuse me, is that you?" Its amazing how she suddenly started smiling. The poor girl tells me she's doing her thesis. "bas wohi reh gaya?". "uske ilawa kuch courses". I didn't embarrassed her anymore and told her, "Best of luck". Hopefully, after that she had a better day than me. 

Askari Bank, I-9 Branch. 4.25 pm. "Teen Demand Draft chahiyein". "Bank to band hone wala hai". I put my innocent Puss-in-boots look and gently say, "Please, kafi urgent hai". The guy buys it, and hands me 3 forms to fill. 

Cafeteria. I see some more classmates. One of them is going to the U.S. I congratulate him for the biggest achievement of his life. After a while, others start making fun of him, so again I join in. "Sabar kar, udhar pahunch aur angrez tujhe kaheinge, "Go back to your country, you Paki". After a while he tells me, Suhail, you wanna go to the U.S.? I tell myself, "Who is this guy?". "Bas 1.5 crore ki bank statement show kara de, mein tujhe bula lunga, baray rishtedar hain mere Amreeka mein". I take a puff and drop the ash in the teacup as I smile. 

Standing in the middle of Bank Road, Saddar. Where nothing shouts "LIFE" more than the centre of Rawalpindi. The variety of people again fascinates me. A man getting a chair for his woman, the young doctor waiting for her friend while she gets her money back, the molvi driver waiting in his Army Suzuki Bolan, but the person who caught my attention the most...was this physically disabled young guy. He was carrying balloons with cartoon characters painted on them. I stood there looking at the balloons move back and fro in front of me with faces of Mario Brother, Doraemon, Spiderman, and a tiger. He walks towards a man holding a baby. His dinner tonight depends on the likeliness of a 2 year old. The baby just moves its hands, the father isn't sure if it wants the balloon or not. After a persuasion from the balloon-guy for a few minutes he finally buys it. 

After I put my Pizza Box in the car, I see a car parked right behind me. They seemed like a newly married couple... having ice-cream. I tell him, I need to reverse. As I put my reverse gear, I see the car moving forward, where there is still another car. I could have honked, but I decided against it and wait. I said to myself, they're having a special moment, why destroy it? 

And they say, I don't care about other people's feelings. 

Filth

The following material is based on a few real-life events that I have seen in the last few years. I titled this article 'filth' because it portrays the other side of society and the inability of people to draw the line. 

A guy in his late 30s-early 40s. Lives with his family in a 2 room portion of a small building on a street that provides spare parts for cars. He provides space for a couple of university students with a place to get drunk at for the evening. Of the three he only knows one of them. The wife and children are placed in the other room, while he gets drunk with these kids, what divides them is nothing more than a curtain. They get drunk together like they've known each other for years, and age is nothing more than a number for the evening. One of them is a beginner, so they make fun of him as he's the first to get drunk; "usay mast honay do, suroor mein rehne do", he says while you hear his child crying in the other room. 

A girl invites her fiance into her bedroom, who she has been engaged for, for over 5 years. The couple lock the door, while the parents are outside. This happens for more than once, as the parents look the other way. For them, its, hey would you rather have your daughter miserable and alone in this "characterless" era or would you be "modern" and let her have privacy with her fiance, whose going to marry her eventually. 

A guy gets a number of a girl. Starts texting her, eventually meets her. Things get serious. Continues it for days, weeks... eventually months. One day he receives a call. Shes pregnant. The sky falls on him. Her question, marriage? His answer, forget it, abortion. Looks for a solution likes its a matter of life and death. Finally gets her to abort the child. A little time later, break-up. Gets married to another girl a year later. Has a daughter. The girl? Still "likes" his statuses. 

A guy walks into an underground bar with a young girl. They are accompanied by his same-age friend. They order an economical Vodka. The two get drunk and talk about politics, while she looks at their faces. She's studying in Norway and has a return flight the next morning. His friend, asks her  what is she studying. "Arts", she replies. 'The young generation prefers arts, back in our day we had to study in order to make a living'. 'We should get going, you have to start packing', says the guy to the young girl. The young girl was his daughter. 

A guy is committed in a serious relationship. An ex wants him back. He curses her on the phone in front of his friends. She insists on having him back. So he plays along. While on the webcam, he asks her to show her indecency, to which she agrees. Little does she know that hes recording all this with his cell-phone. Which he excitingly shows to his friends, just to show how good a player he is. The woman hes committed to? There's not an innocent man as he is for her. 

A guy is about to get married in a couple of months. But has a bad history of temptation. On a vacation, he gets tempted again. Asks for a escort, gets her. Brings her to a place. Is suddenly stricken with a confused state. Confused either to give in to temptation or give in to guilt, he chooses temptation. After a while the escort inquires, 'what's wrong?'. Doesn't respond, is hit with a bolt of guilty conscious. Goes through it for a few months. Then admits, 'it was worth it'. 

A Vast Land

You don't describe a man as either smart, sentimental or sexy. A man is a combination of three things: mental, emotional and physical. A real man, that is. 

Every last day of the week, a random fella would always comment. 

" آج کچھ زیادہ ہی گرمی نہیں"

Over the years I reached a conclusion, "It's always sunny on Friday". One Friday, suddenly it was cloudy at جمعہ  time. I looked up at the sky, smiled, and knew God did this to tell me my theory was flawed. ازکر الله . No doubt the greatest ecstasy is in a sajda, hailing the Real King. Looking at those people, raising their hands, talking directly to The One, if the most beautiful relationship in the world is between a mother and a child then damn the most beautiful relationship in the universe has to be between God and human.

One day a dear friend asked me, what's the meaning of your name. I answered him what they answered me when I was a child; A Vast Land. He metaphorically laughed his arse off. Then I started thinking, wait, a vast land? This can't be right. So after 22 years of believing that I am a vast land, I googled my name. 

Name: Sohail

Gender: Male

Meaning: Shining Star.

I`m a modest man or else I would have told you what Wikipedia has to say about me. But I`m not too modest to share the link, though. 

"Have as much fun as you can, once your'e in practical life, you`ll regret it". That's what a lot of employed friends and other people would say to me, when they`d find out I was still studying. They thought BBA-H was all about girls, weed and booze. For some, yeah..for the cursed Bukhari, the God-damn thesis alone took me 8 months. More of a premature delivery than a thesis. 

So lets not get off-track here, Practical Life. I`ve always ignored this topic, because I dis-agree with the term itself. Practical life is starts when you start looking for a job? So all those years before that was what..a Joke Life? I personally believe there is only one life, there are only phases. I also believe people never really grow up. Sure, they read a few books and think they're Aristotle or Thomas Edison. So if you got a few properties, a car and a son in the U.K., you think you've made it? Baby boomers, nothing more than babies who have boomed a few stacks of cash. 

So what does an unemployed self-obsessed self-declared Philosopher know about life? Lets just say my level of mentality is beyond your level of understanding. My initiation phase is, Go Hard or Go Home and when I`m done I modestly quote Julius Caesar and declare, 'Veni, Vidi, Vici'. 

Reminiscence

April 1993.

Holding my father's hand, afraid to let go. Standing at the edge of the door. First day at school. Looking inside the class, kids, same as my size... so many of them. My mother isn't there anymore to protect me in case I get into trouble. The teacher has a smile on her face and her hands directing me to come inside. I start crying, what's worse is... in public. My father calms me down, the teacher takes me to my seat. They seat me next to this girl, who amazingly is not crying... My manhood wakes up, and amazingly even I`m not crying anymore. As soon as Uzma told me her name, I waved my father good-bye. 

Summer of 1998.

I arrive at Lahore Intl. Airport. Standing in the immigration line, I take a look at a TV on top of a wall. Cartoon Network has arrived to Pakistan. This nation is making progress. Some unknown people receive us, apparently they're family friends I show them my self-made cartoons, they compliment me. Out of honesty or out of my 'پیر  status', I still haven't figured out. After a week I go to my ancestral village. While once standing outside the gate of 'بڑے گھر', a shepherd stops by and kisses my hand. As I recall, it was my first "WTF" moment. 

25th February 2003

Independence day. "Teenage Confusion" at its peak. 4 Paki lads on a mission to celebrate our new so-called 'transition into manhood'. Qasim had recently got a driving license. The best part was, he wasn't allowed to drive the family car, well not at-least with us on board. It was a cloudy morning, and we wanted to rent a car to drive in the evening. We searched half of central Kuwait for a reasonably priced car. 3 hours later, it started raining and we found ourselves abusing each other. After 5 hours we finally found one. The renter tells us you need to be 21 to drive this. Yousef asks Qasim, how old are you? Einstein starts counting his age. Jesus Christ, that was something. Yahya and I couldn't stop laughing. Aah, that evening was worth every foam we sprayed on the Kuwaitis. 

An hour ago.

I start writing a blog with a title I can't even spell. Thank Lord for Google. As I recall forgotten moments, the light goes away. Suddenly, its showering outside. I grab a packet of cashews from the kitchen. Take the hot mug of tea and crash in the car parked in the garage. No, I didn't go anywhere. Just opened three doors, moved the front seat towards the steering, put a cushion on the back and laid down on the back-seat like a boss. Damn, the rain intoxicates me more than alcohol. I start thinking about her, and what I'd do if we were alone in an empty house... without any light...

Just Saying...

Lads like us, tend to become moody over time. There was a time when nothing used to make a difference, now even the slightest remark seems to influence the next 5 minutes. 

"What kind of woman do you want?" 

Anything between Elissa and Nigella Lawson... 

Those who know who I`m talking about will say, 'that's too much to ask, Bukhari'. Those who don't, 'who the fuck are they?'. 

Did I forget to mention '...and a blend of the sophistication of Elizabeth Taylor with the playfulness of Saira Bano'? 

"Look at yourself, you ain't a Prince Charming yourself, mate". 

My reply? "I`m not perfect, but I`m better than all your other options". 

Oh, there's that ego again.

There's that labelling again. 

They say I`m healthier, some say I got a tummy. I politely deny and blame the double sweater. 

I`m a typical Pakistani when it comes to intoxicants. The most common? Tea, I`m definitely addicted. 

Another sleepless night again? Ah God, whenever I go back to 226 D/1, all of my past 5 years flash right in front of me. Damn, that time didn't feel like anything, but compared to now...feels like I did a lot. Every time I go back to Iqra, I feel like either I`m stepping in the university premises for the first or the last time. Which ironically is not the case. 

Before I used to have very different dreams. But now I`m having recurring dreams, a bit too much. The three most common are... Kuwait, family and a woman. Amazing how I try not to think about it, but most of my nights...are dedicated to them. 

I used to silently not give a damn about people who would tell me about 'having nightmares', but nightmares have started knocking at my door now. Personally, I`m enjoying the haunting. Its fun to be starring in a unscripted horror movie yourself, sometimes. 

In the world, you`ll see people who are determined...in what they want. An aura which exhibits a possession of uncontrollable confidence and power. It seems like they know what they want and how they`ll get it. But personally, I think deep down inside they would even doubt themselves sometimes. They just don't show it. They can't afford to show it. Being doubted is one thing, doubting yourself is another. 

Sincerity, chivalry, loyalty, manners... do people even give a shit about these things any more or have they taken capitalism literally? We all have flaws, I`m an understanding fella anyway. But what I don't allow in conversation are two things: stupidity and vulgarity. Takes all respect away from that person's existence. 

What the hell am I talking about? 

Life & Times of S. Bukhari

"Life is a stage. And we're all actors". -Shakespeare. 

The Englishman was a genius. I guess Einstein wasn't the only one who knew me. Everyday, every meeting, situation, experience...I learn something new. Seems like a scene from a movie, where the camera is always rolling. The title is, 'Life & Times of S. Bukhari'. Its a co-direction. God and myself. I`m the lead actor. My life, correction: my movie is full of drama, comedy, suspense, romance, music, thrill, excitement and a whole lotta mystery. I've always considered a good movie, one that keeps the audience guessing, 'what's coming next?'. And damn, with me...that never stops. 

میں ہی ہوں وہ جو رحمت سے گرا 

اے خدا... گر گیا گر گیا

میں جو تجھسے دور ہوا 

لٹ گیا.. لٹ گیا  

Within 2 months, this particular flesh and bones will be 24 years old. The question is still the same. 'What the hell is going on?'. Don't get me wrong. I`m not confused. I have an idea of how the world works. I thought I had an idea how I work. But believe you me, neither the world nor myself know who and what Suhail Bukhari is. I try to think and understand the world, I cant even crack my own code. 

Everything that happens in life, every interaction...maybe with someone you even don't know, is meaningful. You might not get it straight away. You might even forget about it. But it happened for a reason. There is no coincidence in life. There's always a reason. 

God is everything. Don't take me literally, take me metaphorically. When I think about myself religiously... I`m like a guy with one foot in one boat and the other foot in another. 

نہ خدا ہی ملا نہ وصال صنم 

نہ ادھر کے رہے نہ ادھر کے رہے 

We say all the time how we should fear God and be afraid of him. And there are extreme consequences to our mistakes. Did we ever think about loving him? Did we ever think how of all our short-comings, he still takes great care of us? Nah. We're stuck in a weird mentality. God is above all that. God is love. God is pure. God is patience. God is light. God is peace. God is everything. 

I remember this verse, it went like "Whatever good happens to you, is because of Me. And whatever bad happens to you is because of your own-self". سبحان الله . The ocean of knowledge. I can't get it out of my mind. But then again, talking about God doesn't guarantee you heaven. Intentions do. Actions do. A clap doesn't happen with one hand. 

There are very few people in this world that can truly understand you. You feel at ease with them. You share something that can't be described in words. When you talk to them, you feel... worth living. When you are not with them... you feel some sort of an uneasiness, again beyond words. I don't know...I have this feeling that you are coming back... to me..for me. I can feel your presence. 

کس طرح چھینے گا مجھسے یہ جہاں تمہے

خود کو میں ہار گیا تم کو... تم کو میں جیتا ہوں

گیر فرمابردار

I don't know what you take me as, or understand the intelligence that Bukhari has. I`m from rags to riches, nigga I ain't dumb. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Hit me!

Pour me another one of em artificially flavored mango juices. Ooo, I just got the shivers. Reason? The cold breeze of autumn. Call me گیر  فرمابردار ، my mums been telling me to wear a shirt for a year now. I`m a man of principles. One of them, is to be as comfortable at home as one can be. One of them, is to not wear a shirt at home. I know it sounds less of a principle than my stubbornness. But hey, a man can't function if he's not comfortable. How come Pine Nuts cost PKR 1622 per kilo? They used to be my favorite dry-fruit during childhood. Then I found peanuts. Maybe because peanuts are more accessible, economical, satisfying. Pine Nuts... rare, expensive... never fully satisfies you, always leaves you wanting for more. Comparisons; always interesting. Oh damn, I hate it when I take the effort of peeling off the cover, just so the inside can fall away. 

Honest Paragraphs

Sharing a few laughs...Arabic music to my ears... a light yet reasonable breeze on a Monday evening in Islamabad... Cigarettes and 'special tea' complimented with water on the table; simplicity has no other definition. 

This music takes me to some other place. Its nostalgic yet inspiring, its like I haven't missed anything in life. Its like I`m the same 18 year old roaming around the streets of Kuwait in the summer of '06.

Oh yes, I don't wanna go nowhere. I wanna be the same Suhail, forever. Regardless of any category people put me in. I`m not here to win a popularity contest. I`m just here to live my life.

Elissa's voice is exactly what you wanna here every morning before you wake up, coming from your wife. Damn, elegance would never find a bigger fan than me. 

• Oh, take me to the streets of Cairo.
• Order some tea for me in Istanbul.
• Take a walk with me in Beirut.

Some cultures leave a mark on you forever. 

It starts with different sounds, eventually a melody works it's way and sets the mood for words...to achieve the perfect union... Initially a few things are said...that rhyme so beautifully and then set the stage for the high notes...words said with emphasis... Melody comes back again...to declare it's importance... when that is understood, the final words are said twice or more... and then... its done.

People under-estimate and even under-rate the power of eyes. One of the most beautiful parts of the human body. It has the ability to lead astray... to gain attention... to draw a line.... or provide affirmation. 

Nothing can stop me right now....I`m just in the mood...this is how I recreate; a pen in one hand, a cigarette in another... a coffee on the table... a dream in my heart.

Take a sip of life...don't fight it...let it intoxicate...There are things one does not understand in life... yet they sound so beautiful... Inspiration; sometimes comes from the least places you expect. 

Why is it that I am so confident that I`m going to live the life I always want to... Why am I so content with life... Questions that have no answers; neither quantitative nor qualitative. Explanations? Talk is cheap.

The page has been turned once again. Life is only beautiful, when you are. Don't get me wrong...you only are...who you really are. Enigmatic? Your'e just lost in translation.

The finest things in life aren't worth it...if they are not being valued. Value them... n you`ll see life in a different way...everyday.

Love & Soul go hand in hand... Not literally; metaphorically. Take a step back to reflect, you`ll be surprised with the results. We all need a break once in a while, make it worth while.

ٹیڈ رج گیا پر اکھاں نی رجیاں... ہاے پنجابی 

.what an intimate language

Slow down the melody, let the words do the magic. Increase the tempo again, let them make love...the child will be oh so perfect. Don't stop making love to it...the ultimate satisfaction is in persistence.

Nuff said.

" when you loose your way go back to the beginning to find your path"

" when you loose your way go back to the beginning to find your path"
anonymous

Today when I look my surroundings and try to understand the general feelings and perceptions of the people specially the young generations and elders it is sad to say that all I see is desperation and confusion and I ask my self why?

There is no one single answer to this but I am going to try to come up with answers which are based on my observations and experience.

Since childhood we were brought up to be good human beings, honest, truthful, cooperative and hardworking. We believe that Islam is the one true religion and the only way of life and we have to be very grateful and lucky to be born Muslims.

The harsh reality today is that our generation is lost and live in a state of limbo. We are like a boat in the ocean that is caught by sudden storm and just floating direction-less. Today the west is dominating in every aspect of life and their civilization is spreading like wild fire. Our teenagers wear jeans, and T-shirts, we dine from their top class restaurants and cafés. We listen to their music and watch Hollywood movies. Not that I am saying anything is wrong with that, because as the saying goes if you go against the current then the waves will push you back. Politically the west is also calling the shots, America is the sole superpower in the world today. Financially the west controls the world bank and IMF. In a nutshell the west is playing the music and we are dancing to their tunes. Why this change of fortune and when will the tides change?

Contrary to some mistaken believes, the problem doesn’t not lay in Islam.

Instead the problem lies with in us. We deviated from the right path, the just path and the road to salvation.

Allah says in the Quran: " Truly, Allah doesn’t change the (good) condition of people as long as they do not change their state (of goodness) themselves".(13:11)

The above ayah truly explains the condition we are in today. God is just. When God created the earth he put all the things that we needed in it and people were scattered all over the place and all were equal. If this is the case why did some nations rose and others crumbled and ended up in the wrong side of history?. What made the status of one nation to rise than the other was not that they were the chosen ones, rather it was their cheer determination and will power to take their fate and destiny into their hands, how they came together and decided to use their resources and brain-power in an efficient and effective manner. They realized that fairness, equality, justice ,security , law and order were the corner stones that will lead them to success and prosperity.

What we are lacking today is a government that is for the people, of the people and by the people.

A government that knows that they are there for the people and that is accountable to its citizens.

We are lacking an environment that welcomes change, that is tolerant to differing opinions , we are lacking an environment that nourishes independent thinking and finally an environment that encourages and promotes positive thinking. In conclusion if we want to get to the right path we have to take the following steps.

• Be God-fearing citizens
• Establish a transparent and accountable system.
• Ensure the rights of the people .
• Establish law and order
• Allocate resources of the nation responsibly and equally.
• Protect the freedom, liberty and justice of the people.
• Put more emphasis on health and education

Yin and Yang

The following material is inspired by 'Elements of Life'; music by Tiesto.


Indefinitely, Yes.

Without a doubt, Yes.

No thinking twice, Yes.

No pressure whatsoever, Yes.

I, Sohail Ayaz Bukhari, s/o Mr. Ayaz Ahmad Bukhari, will say YES to life. Today, tomorrow, forever.

No matter, what the outcome.

No matter, how uncertain the future.

No matter, how harsh life would be.

I will move against the wind, in order to find my breeze. You know what happiness is? What you get, when you give. Each expression, each muscle, each wit, each aggression; focus it on achievement. 

Q. Achievement of what?

A. Achievement of relaxation. Achievement of salvation. Of success. Of that adrenaline pumping in your heart. That force, that conscious that moves you to attain anything and everything you ever wanted. I dis-agree with people who separate the two, but what do I know, right? 

I make it sound so easy. Maybe that's my problem, either live with it or deal with it.

None of the pleasures in life would have ever been possible if people didn't live up to their full potentials. If they didn't contribute. I salute them all, the unsung heroes. At the end of the day, we are the ones enjoying the pie baked by them. Bon apatite; God bless. 

Life is nothing without سکون & paradoxically without tension. Its the battle between the two, which keeps us going. Amazingly, its the battle of the two that we need. The Yin is nothing without the Yang...death is nothing without life. What you do, determines you in the end, who you are. Some people are going to be happy about, the others disgusted. In the end, what matters is which party is more happier, but then again there's a catch, it has to be the right thing, not for the sole purpose of making people happy. 

What keeps us all going is a self-directed purpose in life. Purposes vary from individual to individual but its not rocket science to categorize them. Security, freedom, money, religion, fame, partner, righteousness, family, ego, power, love. 

I always advocate for raising one's standards. Never being satisfied with current conditions. Moralists would raise fingers at me on being ungrateful. My counter argument, God gives you fertile land, water, sunshine and a seed. Be grateful for that. But its you has to sow the seed in the fertile land, water it and then let the sunshine do its magic. Be grateful to God for everything, then make the most out of yourself. 

• If Muhammad would have been satisfied with just being a Prophet after the first revelation, we would have never seen the roles he played as a leader, teacher, military commander, negotiator, statesman, judge... (and the never-ending list).

• If the Muslims of British-India would have been satisfied with themselves they could have never understood their potential to create history by carving out a nation in the name of religion. (What they did to it is a whole another story).

• If Europe was satisfied with their limited empires would have they gone on to find The New World? 

• If the Africans of America would have been satisfied with themselves of years of segregation (even after slavery was abolished after the American Civil War), would have they marched out for the Civil Rights Movement?

The universe is a fine teacher, example and inspiration for us. It is infinite. Its just a matter of realizing...are we a part of it...or is it a part of us?

Poverty is an economic failure. Beggary is a social one.

11.59 PM. 31st July, 2011. 


Tomorrow is officially my final day and final exam at Iqra Univeristy as a graduate student. 


The clock just hit 12. Welcome August, Welcome Ramadan.

The previous month was the usual July, the usual struggle. But what's really bothering me is the class difference. Its amazing how I find all men the same. 

• The young are the usual confused.
• The grown-ups are trying their best to make sense out of life while going through egoistic dilemmas at home, work and play.
• My favorite ones are the Senior Citizens. They envy the young; they hate their guts. They dictate how one should be, but then again...nothings good enough for them...unless you play your cards right.

Rule # 1: Never Outshine The Master. Oh, I`m being too critical. 

Then again I`m too skeptical about beggars. But that's my problem. The other day, sitting at Trappers in F-10 Markaz, I see this lower-class woman with 2 bundles of pens in her hands. Impulsively, I call her, then I walk up to her. 'مائی، کننے دا اک پن ؟ ' 'پنجی دا ' She replies. When I take out money to give her, to my surprise, she starts praying for me. 

' نہ جی ، تسی بڑا چنگا کم کر رے او. ماشاللہ حلال دا کماندے او."

I wish I added, 'Never raise your hands in front of anyone for survival'. Ah, there's always something left unsaid. 

Life, as we know it. I've been a puppet, a popper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king. Seeing life through all these roles has been amazing. I have a huge respect for people who don't beg...who earn their livelihood through work, through honest means. Poverty is an economic failure, beggary is a social one. Standing up on one's feet is not as easy as they say. But trying to, is the essence of character. 

Not everyone is born a failure, but to die as one, is. Balance. God dammit, Balance. Something that I know is the secret to salvation, but so hard to attain. But lets not take our eyes off the ball here. God took 6 days to make this world, man took 6000 years. Its about time I make mine. When I have The Architect with me, who else do I need?

الله نے ہمیں ذمےداری اٹھانے کے لئے پیدا کیا ہے.

And its human nature to avoid it, because we have free will. That's what separates us from the angels. That's why God loves us more than them. We all love our women, houses, careers, cars, comfort, fine cuisines...but coming out of that to say Hi to God is worth more to Him than a million prayers by angels. Jesus, how hard can it be? Bukhari, understand this yourself first before you preach others. Remember, hypocrites don't practice what they preach?

I live a life of an observer. I keep observing human behavior. What people do, why they do it? Whats their motivation? 

• Money?
• Power?
• Sex?
• Self-satisfaction?
• Good-will?
• Gossip?
• Out of habit?
• Cheapness?
• Attention?
• Love?
• Revenge?
• Intoxication?
• Achievements?
• Idealism?

I need another cigarette. There's no 'Conclusion'. There's only 'Findings'. Recommendations? Jesus, I`m not writing a fuckin' report. It gets interesting as it goes on. There's a fine line between passion and emotion. I admire passionate people, I discard emotional ones. Reactive people, caught up in their own insecurities, always blaming others for their own mistakes. 50 said, 'Get rich or die tryin'. I say, Get smart to die tryin. 

“..In the end what matters most is,

                                                 How well did you live

,How well did you love

,How well did you learn to let go…”

– Unknown

I cant get no SATISFACTION

What a day. Just one of those days when you wish you never stepped out of the house. But when you do, the only thing you pray for is to step back in.

When I'm watchin' my TV

                                    and a man comes on to tell me

how white my shirts can be

.Well he can't be a man

 'cause he doesn't smoke

the same cigarrettes as me

Lets take it from the top, this day is one to remember. I wake up to no electricity...I start to miss it so much that I lose my appetite and without any further consideration, suddenly I find myself smoking. An hour goes by and just realizing the fact that I`m in a load-shedded city of Rawalpindi...decide to take a shower. What's worse when the only underwear you can find in summer is a winter one?

Just when you are all ready to leave for the day ahead, you realize you just lost the house keys. hy did I take a shower, I`m still sweating as I was half an hour ago. Just when I decide to meet someone from the hood, only to find out nobody actually lives there. 

Moving on, I reach a petrol station, 'پانچ سو کا ' ..while the guy tells me to look at the meter, I`m busy wondering why Diesel is more expensive at PKR 94 than Petrol at PKR 86 in this country. 

Just when I hit 80 kmh and start to enjoy my car's new A/C...is when the shit really hit the fan. What followed all the way to the university was worse then Nazi torture; my car's new name is 'Mein Fuhrer'. 

But something strange happened on the way...on Rawal Road, while my car was publicly jerking off, I saw a pathan kid (around 10) crying in agony. Usually I would just ignore this but the kid was no beggar. I stopped the car near hi to test em. He kept crying and starting walking the other way. I reversed in the middle of a traffic road and got out of the car. I don't know what got into me. I walked towards em, inquired, 'Son, what happened?'. Spread my hand o his head, told him to stop crying, it`ll be alright, its fine. 

The kid was bare-foot in the scorching heat of 40 degrees. I brought him water, he wouldn't drink, I held his hand and told him to drink slowly. 'Bilal', when I asked his name. 'Did you eat anything?'He shook his head, I took out a 50, looking at his feet, I gave him another 15. 

'Go eat something, drink the water, go buy something for your feet, it`ll be alright, I`m gonna go now..you take care kid'.  

My biggest achievement was making him stop crying. God, I`m still thinking about what happened. I`ve never seen this side of me. I thought maybe looking at this, the car will feel pity on me, but it kept fucking me. 'I`m exhausted', my first words when I finally made it to the university. After taking the class, I smoke the hell outta Marlboro Reds; hungry since last night, mind you. 


Dunkin Donuts is where we decide to crash. Come here, 'Egg n Cheese'... n 'Long John', wont be long enough in a while. I feel alive.


On my way back to the car, I see an elderly woman with these 6 big bags of stuff, trying to put them in a cab with a look of disgust. It hit me again. I just tell my mate, 'Hey, we should help that lady'. I just look at her, 'Excuse me, aunty... اپ کی اجازت ہو تو، ہم رکھ دیں ؟ ' Shes more than delighted. You know what she says, ' الله آپکو ہمیشہ خوش اور کامیاب رکھے'. But that's not the point, that look on her face...that honest way she smiled at me...Priceless.


It was worth more than a million bucks. 


Its Supernatural, Extra-terrestrial. Ah wheres Katy Perry when you need er? Anyways, after that, that talk with God took me home smoothly. All in all, it was memorable and evolutionary. 

Anything is possible

Life is isn't all plan and implement, is it? 


A man can plan all day and be willing to implement it the next, but at the end of the day... its all God's will that matters. Yes, each and everyday he opens a door, and leaves it on you to decide, whether to enter it or not. That's what we call 'free will'. Sounds so attractive, these two words. But remember? All that glitters is not gold.


At this summer evening, where miraculously, a beautiful cold wind is blowing...whispers in my ears while it passes me by...

 'anything is possible'

میری جاں یہی غم ہے 

سمجھا نہیں تو مجھے 

Ah humans, so predictable.

خوابوں کے سوا کچھ بھی نہیں 

یادوں کے سوا کچھ بھی نہیں

No matter, how much I deny it, I have a love-hate relationship with summer. I hate it when it does what its known for, but I love it when it surprises me. All relationships need an element of surprise to keep it intimate... Why should it stop only on humans? I look up at the sky and it winks me with lightning. Who can feel lonliness while such flirting is going on? 

Sometimes I look back at my life and think how much I have changed. But sometimes it feels I`m the same 2 year old in a hand-sewed sweater and a head-cap. 

Fascinating, just like a plant needs water to survive, a human needs love. Right beside me is a plant who seems pretty pissed off at me because I haven't watered it for a while now. Amazingly, the bastard is still alive. Again, God's will. He wishes for some to live while call back others. 

Ah, the rain is back. I don't know whether to be thrilled or indifferent. Apparently, too many people are starting to know that I have a crush on it. 

Some places are special

because some places have memories

and some memories are special...

these places we call home.

People make a house. A family makes a home. 

سن لے یا پڑھ لے تو ...

میری خاموشی

ہے ضرورت تیری 

سانسوں جیسی ...

Lets put the pen down for now. 

Stability

Mr. Bukhari finally has the pen in his hand, again. 


Ah, why did it take me this long to gain this feeling again? Stability, sometimes more satisfying than ecstasy. 


To be honest, life isn't always about having a 'good night', its about those sleepless nights that eventually lead to a few but valuable good nights. 

تیرے چہرے سے نظر نہیں ہٹتی

نظارے ہم کیا دیکھیں 

.Oh yes,  the best a life can get

Yes, I am at a different phase of my life. This is the time of the  year when I`m usually dried up and clueless, to be honest Spring's not been very kind either. But hey, life goes on right?

That epic battle between who you are and who you want to be goes on. Who's winning? Don't ask. In the end we all know who's gonna win. Still curious? None of them, or maybe both of them.

Should I stop here?

Guess I have to.

The times, they are a changing.

Establish me, possess me, caress me
Attract me, impress me, surprise me
No matter how long it takes
I`mma make it happen, ya`ll know its me.

Maybe this dilemma isn't constant. Maybe its just something I gotta tackle. Fight is a strong word.

I can't go all the way to the top, just to throw it out the window. I wanna remain constant, I`ve finally got the momentum. At the same time, I don't wanna be something redundant. 


I only say it once, I don't repeat. 
Get outta my way, before you face certain defeat.


Yeah I`m contradictory, I discard what I achieve.
The things I say are hard to absorb, even conceive.


Go ahead, hate me; I`ll still hold on to what I believe.
Don't provoke me, or else I`ll expose whatever you conceal.

Intensity

The following material was written in January,2011.
Intensity. Important....but isn't supreme in itself. Just like too much of something is not.

'Hypocrisy at its best'. They say I smoke too much. I say, 'I`ll take that as a compliment'. Instead of extinguishing it, it only adds fuel to the fire. Imagine being bad all the time, even sympathizers would get tired, trying 'taming of the shrew'. 

You know, right now, الحمدللہ , everything is stable. Yeah I`m being honest, or am I taking things too lightly? Oh, my concious, what would I ever do without you?

"When everything's going right, there must be something wrong."

Nah, I`m the worst when it comes to being a pessimist. I despise them, even dismiss them, but never miss them. I`ve seen a lotta bullet points in 4 years of Iqra LRs. Its about time a bullet points at me with my name on it. 

Am I ready?

Hell to the NO.

But somethings gotta give. And somebody's gotta take. That somebody's me. 

'You can do anything you set your mind to, man'.

Its amazing how your mentality, physicality, and spirituality (to an extent) changes when you do that. You are the same person throughout your life. What keeps on changing is your personality.

 "Personality is 50% what you think of yourself and 50% of what others think of you."

Well said. Even Islam is two-thirds concerned about and promotion of taking care of people. 

The biggest misconception people have about taking care of each other is 'going the extra mile'. That's empathetic, not necessary. Remember the difference between a need and a want? Everyone have basic needs; food, shelter, clothes etc. Who provides it? God. Who should deliver it? Parents, family, self-sufficiency and welfare. Who should ensure it? The Government. Umar the Caliph wasn't loosing it when he used to roam around during the night monitoring his people.

Once that is satisfied (to an extent), comes social needs. 

When you meet anyone, imagine they are wearing a sign, 'make me feel important'.

You think I`m too secular? Islam says even smiling at your parents is an act of worship. What did شاہ جی mean when he said:

جے تو رب نو منانا، پیلے یار نو منا 

رب من جاندا، یار نو منانا اوکھا اے 

 Make people happy, Make God happy, make yourself happy. Make the world a better place to live in.