There are a million thoughts in my mind, but I`ll choose silence.

Reminiscence

April 1993.

Holding my father's hand, afraid to let go. Standing at the edge of the door. First day at school. Looking inside the class, kids, same as my size... so many of them. My mother isn't there anymore to protect me in case I get into trouble. The teacher has a smile on her face and her hands directing me to come inside. I start crying, what's worse is... in public. My father calms me down, the teacher takes me to my seat. They seat me next to this girl, who amazingly is not crying... My manhood wakes up, and amazingly even I`m not crying anymore. As soon as Uzma told me her name, I waved my father good-bye. 

Summer of 1998.

I arrive at Lahore Intl. Airport. Standing in the immigration line, I take a look at a TV on top of a wall. Cartoon Network has arrived to Pakistan. This nation is making progress. Some unknown people receive us, apparently they're family friends I show them my self-made cartoons, they compliment me. Out of honesty or out of my 'پیر  status', I still haven't figured out. After a week I go to my ancestral village. While once standing outside the gate of 'بڑے گھر', a shepherd stops by and kisses my hand. As I recall, it was my first "WTF" moment. 

25th February 2003

Independence day. "Teenage Confusion" at its peak. 4 Paki lads on a mission to celebrate our new so-called 'transition into manhood'. Qasim had recently got a driving license. The best part was, he wasn't allowed to drive the family car, well not at-least with us on board. It was a cloudy morning, and we wanted to rent a car to drive in the evening. We searched half of central Kuwait for a reasonably priced car. 3 hours later, it started raining and we found ourselves abusing each other. After 5 hours we finally found one. The renter tells us you need to be 21 to drive this. Yousef asks Qasim, how old are you? Einstein starts counting his age. Jesus Christ, that was something. Yahya and I couldn't stop laughing. Aah, that evening was worth every foam we sprayed on the Kuwaitis. 

An hour ago.

I start writing a blog with a title I can't even spell. Thank Lord for Google. As I recall forgotten moments, the light goes away. Suddenly, its showering outside. I grab a packet of cashews from the kitchen. Take the hot mug of tea and crash in the car parked in the garage. No, I didn't go anywhere. Just opened three doors, moved the front seat towards the steering, put a cushion on the back and laid down on the back-seat like a boss. Damn, the rain intoxicates me more than alcohol. I start thinking about her, and what I'd do if we were alone in an empty house... without any light...

Feels like we flyin' right? Ooh, not there yet. But definitely on the way. Damn, I haven't tasted success in such a long time, I forgot how it felt like. Mr. Bukhari opens its doors to its favourite guest. Welcome, Your Majesty, Welcome. Lets have a little conversation, you tell me...how you been...I`ll tell you how much I missed you. I know I`ve been disloyal... but this time you're here to stay, sweetheart. Modesty and ego, shake hands... you`ll be my Generals in the war of life. 

مسلمان مصیبت میں گھبرایا نہیں کرتا 

-محمّد علی جناح -

The Zebra's Cage

Whenever I drive on the way out of the neighborhood, near the Clock Tower... I always look left while shifting to the 3rd gear. There is a series of cages... at the corner, the last one, resides a Zebra; caged in. I`ve never stopped by to look at him closely. But somehow I never miss a glimpse of him; no matter if he is in his supposed 'hut' or standing outside, alone.

The birds and the rams in the other cages are either in groups or couples. But this lad...just there...alone. Sometimes hes sitting, sometimes laying down...but most of the time I see him standing there... looking outside the cage. Sure they feed em well. Clean his cage. But I thought Zebra's weren't supposed to be isolation-minded.

In Ethics class they taught us something about giving a damn about 'Sentient Beings'. Even animals feel threatened when you behave harshly towards them, I`ve seen alotta cats and dogs, that way.  I`m no animal psychologist, I hardly can analyze my own mind... But I feel pity for this one. 

He's not with his family anymore. Heck, he's not even with his kind anymore. He is forced to do something he wasn't meant to do. Be an amusement for people. Just make people ammuse and amaze. They look at him. they look at his colors. They compliment his existence, but he's nothing more than an animal to them. 

He must be thinking, I was supposed to be running wild...running free... do what I`m supposed to do. Drink water from a stream which I choose. Rest where-ever I want. God sent me here to live the life that I wanted to live. But what am I doing? Where am I? Why am I here? No one to talk to. Sure, he can say whatever he wants to the human care-takers. But will they understand him? No. They wont understand what hes saying. 

The Zebra must be longing for love, longing for freedom, longing for association...

But for now...he's just standing there.... waiting.... and waiting... and waiting...